Haven't updated in a while. Been kinda busy but its whatever. The weather has been super kind to us all up in Jersey. More or less I began writing my memior some time back. Its still not complete but give me feed back please.
Girl in the Mirror:
A conquest for self-discovery
To Be
I want to go where the river runs deep enough to drown my shame
To rid me of a pain so profound
So one day I might spread my wings and soar
To be cold
My face ridden without expression
To cry metallic tears
To be inhuman
I cannot feel
I cannot hurt
I cannot love
Reality concludes
Life becomes vague
To forget
What have I become?
-Sade’ Miller
Fear. To be oppressed by plaguing psychological concepts defined by traumatizing occurrences or the idea itself of those occurrences taking place. Fear. A feeling of apprehension or distress caused by the presence or anticipation of that which is unpleasant. Fear, of being alone, unloved, unwanted. I am afraid.
MOMMY.
Sleepless nights my mother cried for that man to love her the way she loved him. But my father was a boy; tormented by the temptation of “those women” and their goods. So like a boy he ran from responsibility. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too; while I stood there foolish, a child, wondering why Daddy didn’t want to spend the night at my house. I still loved him. I was his first born, and a girl, “Daddy’s girl” so I was special. I always blamed my mother for why things didn’t work out, but with maturity I’ve come to realize that she was just tired of his serial polygamous ways, and he was just a boy.
Mary J. Blidge, Anita Baker, Lauryn Hill, Will Downing… Sade’. Music and heart break. Life’s sound track full of sultry vocal stylings spewing lyrics of depression. A psychological suicide. They were singing her song, telling of her innermost fears and insecurities. There was something different in my mother’s eyes. Hate, rage, aggression. And then he came. I was five and my mother had just bore her second child by my father. I had seen him before at my mother’s job, always wanting to give me candy and presents. I hated him. He was not my father so why was he here? From day one I knew that there was something wrong. Too many too-close-for-comfort moments; I was afraid and like a predator he sensed my fear.
Jason was my mother’s rebound guy. He was her kind of “in your face” approach at getting back at my father, who she clearly still had feelings for. He was considerably younger but as far as my family was concerned, anyone was better than my father. The summer of 2001 was a cold one, despite June’s passion and July’s blistering fever. I began to feel shunned by the blanket of protection that I had found in my mother throughout my eight years of existence, and was seemingly thrust into mature affairs in which I had to cope with my insecure and premature emotions alone. “I’ll never put anyone before you Sade’, I love you.” They were married on July 8th, marking the end of life as I knew it.
Time had no mercy and life had no compassion. Devoured in matters of the world, I wanted to run and hide in the vivid pictures of my art form. Thus came my love for writing, using simile and metaphor to portray my want to be liberated from this imprisoning transgression. She yelled and I mustered the courage to yell back. She hated me, because I was my father’s child. I was dealt the repercussions for his inability to commit, his lies, and how badly he hurt my mother.
The Most Important Person in My Life
The essence of which I am-
Caving in on this empty shell of a body
Do you hate me?
You scorn my soul and kill my pride
Wake me up inside so I might feel;
A freedom so sweet
Reverie I pray it not
Let me soar above and just be
To fulfill a new level of self
And even with your criticizing antics I will still be the best me
I will live
I will laugh
And I will dream of new highs
-Sade’ Miller
UNDERSTANDING.
No one understood me. All the Love, all the Fear, all the Pain, all the Hate. Memories of that man invading me and stealing my youth. The sweetest thing I’ve ever known was
-See its not done but I'm working on it.
