The Liar, Me

   For a while now I've been having a hard time being completely honest with myself. I live in a society where censorship is key; interaction is at the mercy of the politically correct, of what may or may not offend people. It's what fuels the never ending cycle of victim and transgressor. How can I be honest with anyone, when every  principle or ideal that I may believe in has to go through some sort of filter before it is deemed appropriate to be revealed to the public?
   Dishonesty dictates my life. No, I am not a fan of flat out verbally telling lies but I believe that we can be liars in our actions, in how we live our lives. As for myself, it has gotten to the point that I'm not too certain of who I am, what I am, who I want to be. And now I feel obligated to search for meaning and understanding of my life and it's purpose, of life and it's purpose. It's driving me crazy because in life, we are given such a limited amount of time and an infinite amount of information is accessible but it is impossible to attain it all. I have created false passions and then feel stuck in their pursuit. I don't know what I want. A lot of the times I feel powerless, like my life isn't in my control.
   I don't know when it got so bad. Maybe when I was three and my parents would argue. They made no effort to hide the fact that I had to pledge an allegence to one or the other. I never wanted to disappoint. Or maybe it was when I learned that your best friend could lie to you and talk about you behind your back. Or when I learned that family could betray you. Or that your mother could love someone more than she loved you. Even in writing this, I had to think, stop, rethink, write, and erase all over again until line by line what I thought I wanted to say came out.Why can't my thoughts and feelings be so honest that they just come out on demand because I am certain of them?  And I'm not even sure if it's uncertainty or me being so dishonest with myself that I can't decipher the two. What is real and what is imagined, what is rudimentary and what is derived, what is of God and what is of this world.

- Sade' Miller